Not running from something
I’m running towards the day
Wide awake

A whisper once quiet
Now rising to a scream
Right in me

I’m falling, free falling
Words calling me
Up off my knees

I’m soaring and, darling,
You’ll be the one that I can need
Still be free

Our future’s paved with better days

Eddie Vedder

Sometimes the world gets too loud for me.  Much too loud.  And I just can’t take it.  And I cry.  I cry at just about everything.  Absolutely everything and nothing and all that lies between.  Beautiful things like Eddie Vedder’s voice, the sunset, my boy’s kisses and hugs as their arms wrap around my neck and I realize these days are so bitter sweetly numbered.  And not so beautiful things like mommies that don’t take care of their babies the way they should (sometimes I want to adopt half the world), people that can’t simply manage a please and thank you, the way my husband stomps around that house that makes me feel like I could be swallowed up whole (he’s just a loud walker–loud in all he does really, he means nothing by it), rudeness, screaming unkindness, injustice, it all just becomes so aggressively LOUD.  And it hurts my ears and my head and my heart.  And on these silly day, these oh so silly days, it escapes through my eyes–through fingers that tremble and thoughts that long to connect somewhere else far, far away.  Where souls matter most, dreams are not lost, and our voices, our eyes, our smiles–who we are–is so sacred, so loved, so valued.  I want to whisk us all away there–to that place.

Where we don’t have to work so hard at this being whole thing.  What ever that is.  And we can just open up and concede happiness for all of us.  That that would just really be okay.  And we could just authentically say, ‘I love you’.  The all of you.  You are amazing.  For all you do.  For all you chose not to do.  For all of your strengths–all those strengths that shine brighter than mine–I truly LOVE those!!!  This is not a competition.  Unless it’s a hand holding, heart holding, support the heck out of each other, I’ve got you, you’ve got me, holding one.  Cause I’m all for that.  It’s a level playing field.  Heck, it’s not a playing field at all.  It’s a field of lavender.  Let’s stop and just lie down and breathe it in.  First, let me take all my allergy meds and an extra puff of albuterol, then yes, let’s meditate.  Please, barriers down–we’re here to walk this walk together.  That’s why I’m here.  I don’t want any of this other junk.  None of it.  It means absolutely nothing to me.  Houses, cars, clothes, who ya know, who ya don’t know, titles, positions, what she said or what she didn’t say, this, that, and the other thing–let’s just be.  Completely, unabashedly, courageously, authentically, unafraid to do so.  Please.  You are complete as you, I am complete as me.  Did I mention I love you?  ALL of you.  Really.  You are amazing.  But if you continue to have to tread and push this girl down to step up, I just can’t.  Because I want to see heaven up close too.

And yes, I say ‘I love you’ a lot.  Because I do.  I just really, really do.  Because that’s what I’m here for.  People totally blow my mind.  We are capable of such great things!  What we can survive, create, inspire, grow in love–miracles, people–miracles!!!  And I really don’t know why the heck else I’m breathing.  Maybe not the loftiest of goals, but it’s mine.  I’m here, all living, to do this God loving thing.  And I just can’t not.  It’s my purpose.  Yes, it drives some people crazy.  That’s the other thing I do.  If you want to be brave with me and love with all your heart, open, honest, sing with the choir style–take my hand, sister.  It’s an amazing ride of sisterhood, motherhood, wifehood–all kinds of hoods and kindred spirits.  And yes, it hurts sometimes–but carrying each other’s burdens and celebrating each other’s joys in love–again–that’s what this life thing is all about.  And that’s the real stuff.  The down on your knees, soul to soul, knuckle to knuckle, love you till eternity real stuff–and life is full of angels.  I’m blessed to call so many friends.

Every day I want to wake up and give my best.  My very best.  I’m not saying that ‘best’ is perfect (as my angel friends are giggling as they hold me in this post).  You know me.  Some days are more fragile than others.  No, my best is my best for THAT day.  And I truly believe that is all God expects and in his amazing grace, his sweet amazing grace, that is enough.  So, when things get all loud for me as this day just seemed to yell at me, I can take a step back and know, I gave my best, and it was quite good, and my divine Father loves me so, and there is peace in my soul.  And tomorrow, I will wake up and try again.  By his grace and mercy, thanks be to God, I will try again.

He will carry the loud, he will carry the chaos, he never meant for any of us to carry it all–although he so deeply meant for us to care.  And I am thankful for empathy, for a breaking heart–as it pushes me to try harder, to be more–if only in the littlest of things–because they are the big things in my world.  And if I can’t fix everything in the biggest sense, I can be the most I can be to those I touch in my small cosmos.  And he will fill me up.  Day after day, he will fill me up.  I know this to be true, because he always has–even on the days when I have doubted his strength–he has filled my lungs with air, my soul with his will, and my body with his strength–and we walk.  Maybe not as quickly or as surely as the world sees fit, but we walk.  And in the words of the Beatles that my beloved girl Lauren loves (love you, sister) so well, “Love is all you need”… (and maybe a little coffee too…)

mend

 

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