Sitting here thinking of friends Sara and Patrick tonight as the boys and I finish praying for their family and for our Ella. And G is asking me those HARD questions like, “Why did Dod make Ewwa sick?” and “Why tan’t Dod dust make her all betta now?”
and I kind of lost it a little…
Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the week and I’m just kind of worn out. Maybe it’s because I’m really tired of seeing such incredible people have to go through such hard things. Maybe it’s because it makes no sense to me that a tiny little baby should have to suffer so much any more than it does to my five year old, and I don’t understand it any more than he does–and honestly, I’ve been asking myself the same damn thing.
And when it’s other nameless people, not YOUR friends, it’s just easier to say “God always has a plan”, “His ways are best”, and “He knows even when we don’t know” and nod your head in agreement and stoicism. Ahhhh, but this, seeing this sweet angel’s face, hearing my boys beg to pray for her every single evening as if forgetting would cause the sun not to come up the next day, and imagining the anguish of her parents as a momma myself, just putting myself in their shoes for one tiny second breaks my heart into a billion pieces.
“Why can’t God?”
and all I can mumble to my five year old snuggled up next to my chest is this… Because he loves us so much he wants to draw us as close to him as he possibly can and if only really, awesome, super, fabulous things (“like Twismas?” Griffyn yawns and says) — yes, like Christmas, happen to us — we just might think we don’t need him, that we’re strong enough all by ourselves, just on our own — so sometimes, he allows bad things to happen…
“And Adam ate apples. I don’t yike snakes.” G says, opening his eyes a little wider for a moment (we talk about how the world is imperfect and there are bad things in it because of sin which always goes back to the Garden of Eden for Griffyn … and snakes).
And I marvel at the faith of this amazing couple–taking one day at time, one procedure at a time, one breath at a time–praising the name of God all the way–gracious, thankful, so positive. They are just as big of a miracle as she is, precious baby Pinky.
This tiny one, little Ella, also known as our Pinky, bringing so many people together, in love, in faith, in purpose, connecting hundreds in prayer. Smiling all the way. She knows nothing more than this fight as she was born into it. She is thankful for every breath she takes. The gentle voice of her mommy and daddy. Her big sister who already adores her. For any second she doesn’t feel pain. She doesn’t question why. She isn’t bitter. She doesn’t blame God. She smiles. She fights. She just is. Amazing. One little soul, teaching all of us big kids (and my two boys) so very, very much.
And maybe that’s part of the answer too. What looks so very awful and bad and horrendous — in all that desolation–there lies something good, something beautiful in all the broken, something so pure and so very precious.
“And sometimes hard things can teach us really important lessons, G, about loving each other, about what’s really important and meaningful in life, and bring out the very best in people too.” I say smoothing out his crazy hair and kissing it.
“Kind of yike how we pway yots mowah now togedda?” (I actually hadn’t thought of that) “and howwa Max is nissah to me wif his fings I touldn’t touch befowah?” (um, hadn’t noticed that either).
“I dust want her to det betta. See’s so tute and tiny.” He snuggles closer. Griffyn has always wanted a baby sister, and in his world, I believe he sees all little girl babies as his little sisters (or at least wishes upon every single blessed star above that they were) and he must protect them–with all his heart. And this little love, well, she needs his extra special protection.
As he falls asleep to “You are my sunshine…”, I am reminded that God has always been there, through everything for this tired soul. He has promised us all that much. And that is quite a lot. This world is a mess, and that was not his doing. And there are often times when I want to give up, as cowardice as that may sound–just crawl under the covers and tell life to go away–and then you meet the most lovely people like Sara, like Patrick, little ones like Ella–who remind you what that word FAITH is really all about–not just some theological dogma–but the flesh and bones, blood, sweat and tears of life stuff — and a sort of renewal takes place — a sort of wait a minute, I CAN do this, I MUST do this kind of renewal–and you get up, you pray, and you learn to hope again. Because their hope is so huge, and so real, and their faith is so strong you can almost touch it… and you can–you most certainly can–SEE it…
We love you, Pinky and family. We take you with us in our hearts and up to heaven every morning and every night. We know God is listening. There are way too many prayers shaking heaven’s gates in Pinky’s name for him not to hear. We thank you for blessing our hearts, changing the way we look at each other, the way we see each other, reminding us to slow down, to take care, to remember our divinity. G’s favorite color went from orange to pink, he wants to buy Ella every baby toy, dress and piece of jewelry he sees (not to mention nail polish). Max’s heart is a little more tolerant towards his “baby” brother and he has a bit more patience for his antics. This family prays so much more and holds each other a little closer. We did all this before, but somehow, we forgot–we got a little busy. Thanks for bringing us back together and reminding this mommy’s heart that it is stronger and braver than it feels. We love you so, forever and ever, because we can. Hugs to all of you.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall to the sea.” Psalm 46:1-2
“Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man… He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” Psalm 112:4,7
“And my God will supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus… Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19, 6-7 NKJV